I wanna be wid Jesus at the love feast,
So down wid the U.N. and let's knacker the beast!
(copyright TBs TalkTime - all rights reserved)
Aaaa YYYYEEEE HAWWW! That sure feel good, don' it? Well, don't it?? You know the Good Lord was a-givin' me bucket loads of visions of prophecy lately (Thank Him!) and Ah been thinkin’ about all the creatures Ah met on my travels in space and time, the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Alligator People, Al Gore, Godzilla, and Ah wrassled wid all of 'em - wid all of 'em Ah say. (Audience: enthusiastic applause) And by the grace of God Almighty, Ah whupped all der asses. And den Ah spit in Godzilla's eye only last week and says to him: "You mosey on back to master Barack Obama and give him the same from me.” (Audience: cheers and whistles)
But that big lizard made me think of annuder big lizard, one that caused Mankind much more damage than Godzilla's little stroll down Broadway would have. That be the Serpent in the Garden of Eden.
Iffa the real Satan hadda looked like this here Godzilla, ain't woulda been no problem with Eve disobeyin' God. Coz he looks a real fright. Wouldn' want to go near this one. Woulda been headin' the opposite direction. But that Satan was a different kinda lizard. He was so posh and polished, he just talked that Eve hussywoman offa her feet! She was a-sighin' and a-gigglin' and a-thinkin' how very very charmin' he were. Well, she soon found out how she had been taken for a ride. An' she took the whole damn world with her on dat ride, that's fo' sure!
And that be the subject of today's TB TalkTime. You know those evil evil evil‑utionists be bustin' to tell ya that there be NO real live Garden of Eden like what you can see plainly wid yo own God-given peepers, reconstructed in TB's Edenville Temple and Diorama in Nebraska (and not to be confused wid dat fake Edenburg and Edenland and wot all those liars and copycats be putting out next.) Those evil‑utionists sayin' "Scientists dun put two robots on Mars playin' hidey-seekey wid theyselves. And they got that Cassino spaceship flyin' thru the rings of Saturn, and they done sequenced the Human Genome, and they is lookin' at the chromosomes on the fruit fly's salivary glands, and they is wiped out smallpox and blah...blah...blah...blah...so you GOTTA think they can't just be shootin' the breeze when the SAME PEOPLE say the world is billions of years old, and not just six thousand."
"So what?!" says Ah. "All those scientists and doctors just plain stoopid" says Ah, "plain stoopid!" They may be buildin' particle accelerators that smash atoms, and be curin' diseases with a little jab in the butt, but they was BORN STOOPID, and won't use their God‑given brains like wot we done. And Ah gonna show you EGG‑ZACTLY why they is as wrong as wrong can be. Now you listen up close to the followin' and YOU tell me what you think the real truth is. You judge fo' yoself the story of the evil‑utionists and the Plain Truth o' the Bible!
Now evil‑utionists, they be sayin' that the universe be about 50 billion years old. Yessirree, Bob, you heard right. Billion! Now, nuttin' that old, that's older than Joan Rivers! (audience: HAW!! HAW!!) And they be sayin' that the whole shebang start wid a Big Bang which cooked up all the elements and from which all the galaxies condensed. Baloney! Baloney! And More Baloney! (Audience: wild applause) Here is what the Holy Bible say: God took five days to create the world, and only one day to create the sun, moon and stars. That's how important we are. There is one whole day given over the creation of dry land and plants on our own Earth, while he took the same amount of time - it was the first Wednesday in fact - to create the billions of galaxies, with their billions of stars, and their countless constituent planets. Now why don' those evil‑utionists and atheists use their God‑given intelligence, and see just how sensible this is?! Coz they just won't look at the evidence like we do, right here on this program. And the Lord was clever enough to create all the plants a full day afore He created the sun and moon! Yep, there was barley corn in the fields 24 hours before the billions of suns in the cosmos were created.
But wait, there is MORE! Lots more. Now those crazy mixed‑up evil‑utionists will tell you that humans are about a million years old. But thank the Lord, we got a good record that tells us just how the Human Race actually started, and when. Listen to this:
When God created all the animals, he made them male and female. There was a male elephant and a female elephant, and a male T. Rex and a female T. Rex, and a male cockroach and a female cockroach. And they were all brought up to Adam and he named them all. But then God noticed something. He hadn't made a female for Adam, the only species not to get a companion. And Adam would get lonely, wouldn't he? Yep, he sure would. We can imagine Adam getting some angel let him in to have a chin‑wag with the Lord, and he finds the good Lord sittin' there havin' a quiet game of solitaire, even tho He always knows what card is comin' up next. "What is it, Adam?" He says, although He knowed in advance.
"Well" began Adam, "Ah be thinkin' how you created all those female companions to all those animals Ah named, like Ah be especially thinkin' for some reason about the sperm whale and the rabbit and the love birds..."
"Your point being?" asketh the Lord, who would sometimes make out like He was a bit slow on the uptake, just to pass the time as it were.
"Weeeell" continued Adam, "Ah was kinda wonderin' if Ah could get something like that for meself, if Ah was really good an' all..."
"And what kind of companion would you be thinkin' of?" asketh the Lord, smilin' to himself a little.
"Weeeell...It would be nice if she had a neck like a giraffe, and those purty lips you put on a camel, and the soft fur and beard of the angora goat would be nice on a cold night, anything just so long as she got that big red backside you done put on the baboon. Yeah, just so long as she looks like me" concluded Adam, who had no access to a mirror.
"Well" saith the Lord, "Ah can see you have been on yo lonesome a bit, and Ah suppose we do have to look at the continuation of the species at some stage, and those calluses on yo hands ain't gonna clear up much", and he stroked His beard and hummed to Hisself. So, soon after, He put Adam into a deep sleep, and He used Adam's rib to make him a companion. And when Adam woke up, guess what he found lying right next to him? Yes, you in the back. No it weren't no Dalek. It would turn out to be much worse than a Dalek. It was a Woman. A She‑Woman. And Adam looked at her, and looked and looked some more. She was stacked all right. She had all the right hardware, 'cept it weren't hard, it was all soft and curvy. And she had beautiful long hair, and lovely eyes, and 'ceptin' she hadn't no big red ass, she was perfect.
Eve, a lot more dangerous than this Dalek. Look out,
she's a-comin' up those stairs! When she get's there,
you'd best be UNDER the bed, not on it!
"Oh, thank you, Lord, thank you" Adam said. "Oh Lord, can Ah really keep her?" he cried, jumpin' round like a playful pup.
"You sure can" saith the Lord.
"And Lord..." he said, lookin' sideways at her a little, "Can Ah play wid her like dose rabbits do wid each other?"
"Go for your life, tiger" saith the Lord.
"And Lord, can Ah name her like Ah named the other animals?"
"What you got in mind?" asketh the Lord.
"Lovely-buns" suggested Adam.
"Not a chance. Meet Eve."
And that is how the human race began. Now you tell me that that don' make more sense than the crazy stuff the evil‑utionists be puttin' out!
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Now it would be nice if Ah could be sayin' truthfully, that they all lived happily ever after, and played with themselves, with the good God just watchin' and thinkin': "This is good, this is really very, very good." But we all know that a catastrophe was loomin', coz like the song said: "Baby did a bad thing", a very very bad thing.
Now the Lord put a tree in the Garden of Eden, and said: "Don' eat of that tree, Adam, it's not good for you; it's the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, like brain food, and you don't need no brain food the way you is knockin' yoself out like a hamster on steroids wid Eve."
It was all right, all the animals were just loving each other, until that Shehussywoman did the dirty and got us all in big trouble. Soon, there was a food chain and the world was never the same! Oh, day of infamy!
INFAMY ah is a-sayin', agin 'n' agin ah is a-sayin' it...
.
And so it was. And then one day Eve was out and about wastin' time as per usual, and she saw the tree and it had a Serpent in it. Now, dear brothers and sisters, we know who that Serpent were, and how he told Eve that God was just being mean and selfish and was keepin' the tree for Hisself. And she fell for it, hook, line and sinker. You know, Ah’s a‑wrassled wid The Thing, It, She, Them, and The Others, AND whupped their butts. But this Serpent did worse things to us then all of the other monsters of the world combined. You know Charlton Heston gave me his shotgun when they found he was going to lose his mind, and that is why when they prized his cold dead fingers from his firearm after he passed away, it were only a pop gun, coz that's the only gun he was allowed to use in the end. And what's worse, he was mighty pleased with it anyways, and would spend hours a‑poppin' it at any Democrat who come near, when he be remembering what they was in any case
Charlie wid one o' his favorite banes
'N wid the rest of his banes. Kinda makes a red-blooded American man's mouth water, now just don' it, hey, don't it?!
Back then, Jesus could be seen ridin' the tame dinosaurs. Until the Fall, when Jesus didn't ride out wid us no more. After the Flood, the dinosaurs were useful using their fiery breath to dry out the world, and lightin' campfires. But then they became victim of Eve's long-time curse, and they died out too. Goodbye, sweet lizards, goodbye...
So if Ah hadda been there on that terrible day in Eden, Ah woulda cried out: "O Malefactor! O Accuser! O Great Fly in the Ointment of Human History! You better get packin' and skedaddle afore sundown, for this is Charlie's Bane Ah is holdin' in mah hands, and it means to ventilate yo' britches an' how! (Applause and shouts of Yee Hawww!) But Ah wasn’ the one there. It was that two‑timin' She‑Woman what was there. And did that Serpent have her number all right! He did and how! He done knew her right well enough, a sweet‑talkin' and soft‑soapin' her wid his city‑slicker, five guinea, U.N. lovin’ type words, and callin' her Ma'am, and makin' her get ideas way above her station.
Now tradition holds that that tree were an apple tree, but the Holy Bible don't tell us egg-zactly what kind of fruit it were, but that it were a fruit tree of some kind, so we can be 100 per cent sure of that in any case. But Ah don’t personally think it were no apple. Ah mean Adam wouldn' get so excited over a humble apple as to disobey an express commandment of God. No, Ah did dream a dream, dear brothers and sisters, and in that dream that fruit were a big, ripe, smelly pawpaw, like the biggest you can find nowadays. Ah ain't a‑sayin' this dream come express out of the Good Lord's public relations office like what personally inspired and authorized the Bible, but Ah ain't sayin' it ain't neither, if you is followin' me. You listen now to what happened the way Ah dreamed it, and see whether that be consistent with the Biblical record.
Ah dreamed the Serpent holds that ripe pawpaw in front of that crazy‑mad whore Eve, and she grabs it an' chomps a big, noisy squishy hunk out of it right away without so much as a “How’s yo’ father?” But it gets worse, lots worse. Up to now, the whole human race coulda been saved, for if Adam had not scoffed a juicy mouthful hisself, then God woulda just wasted Eve, and issued Adam with another model from a different batch, and the whole human race today might be livin' like we was in a permanent Bali Hai and Shangri La combo. But Eve now gets the heebie-jeebies, when she starts to realize what she has done, and you know what they say: "Heebie-jeebies likes company". So she hightails it back to Adam, and shows him the pawpaw and tries to get him to eat it. Well, at first, he ain't havin' none of it, and this is where in mah dream, things start gettin' really interestin'. (TB Dream #56 - copyright - all rights reserved)
Adam says: "No Eve, Ah musn' eat o’ dat fruit, fo' de Lord said not to, and ain't it time for a quickie?"
And she, the Hussywoman, the Eternal Slut, says: "Eat it, Adamski baby? Oh no, no, Heavens no! Ah don' want you to eat it" and then she takes the pawpaw and starts squeezin' it all over her breasts, and rubbin' it slowly around both of 'em in slow, even, circular movements. (Audience: ooo-wahh!) And her breasts were without‑a‑stitch stark nekkid bare! (Audience: OOOO‑WAHHH!!) And it was one VERY ripe pawpaw, chockers wid juice! (Audience, as pandemonium threatens to break out: OOOOOOOH!! WAAAHHHHH!!) Settle down, settle down...Now Adam is like a hypnotized man watchin' a swingin' chain, his eyeballs out on stalks, and both of ‘em a-swingin’ this way and that, around and around, followin' every movement of her hands.
An' she starts into moanin' in that silvery breathy way he knowed all too well: "Eat it, oh baby love? Ah don' wan' you to eat it, sho nuff, any rube could do that....Ah want you to lick it off from all over me, could you do that , huh, could you do that fo' yo li'll ole baby poo, you great big lover man?"
An' that crazy slut starts slowly rubbin' it over her belly, with the sweet thick juice runnin' down her thighs. An' she got her eyes half‑closed and she's moanin' a little like Ah seen one time accidental‑like on some channel Ah didn' even know Ah had, when Ah was switchin' from Gems from Genesis Network to New Zealand in Prophecy Network. An' suddenly Ah saw our First Father Adam spring forward shoutin' Geronimo! an' in a trice his tongue was a‑doin' what it had been bidden, as it snaked out searchin' for every crevasse that held the combination of the heavy sweetness of the pawpaw and the scent of Eve's mountin' passion. And soon he was slurpin' and suckin' away for all his worth, which was goin' to be significantly downgraded the followin' morn. An' all this time Eve was just holdin' his head to her bosom like he was a baby at suck, an' tiltin' her own head back and laughin', laughin' in quiet jubilation and triumph. Oh, DAY OF INFAMY indeed!! If there ever was one, this rightly bore that title!
(All the preceding was in TB's dream #56, and is copyrighted)
Now, dear brothers and sisters, usually Ah ask you to use your God‑given imagination an' to put yoself in the shoes of the people we be discussin' an' try an' feel what they done felt. Well, don' even think about doin’ that now! No sir! If you really wanna see how it happened, then go to our Edenville Temple and Diorama ™ in Nebraska, and this very scene is there, 'ceptin' that for modesty's sake Adam and Eve are partly hidden by shrubs and wear overalls, and there is no juice and all that stuff, an' we decided to go back to the apple, coz the flies were crawlin' and buzzin' around the pawpaw.
When Ah dreamed this dream, Ah just knew it was God givin' me a little bit of extra insight into the full story of Man's downfall, an' how he was brought low by the wiles of the Serpent and his deputy, the Eternal Shehussywoman. And Ah lifted up my voice in joyful praise and sang: "Oh Lord, that was one knockout inspired dream! An' if you have any more of the same vintage, yo' humble vessel is only too willing to endure the pain of re-experiencing Man's downfall for the sake of those who might brought closer to you upon hearin’ it and actually viewin’ it at TrueBeliever’s Edenville Temple and Diorama close by in Nebraska.”
And then, brothers and sisters, Ah was filled with righteous anger as Ah saw Man’s Downfall as a type, played out over and over again in the life of every man who has ever had dealings with a woman. An’ a‑roarin’ with the most holy indignation, Ah grabbed my belt and took my daughters Bessie, Tessie, Lessie, and Sue Ellen to the Family Correction Room, and gave the little daughters of Eve a good larrupin’. An’ Mrs TrueBeliever was at the back of that queue, as was most fit. And midway, Ah had built up such a good head of steam, Ah needed a break, so we all sojourned to the en-suite chapel and held a Bible Discussion Meet, where their questions as to what had prompted their sudden chastisement were fully explained. Ah remember Ah noted that Adam should have done the same as what Ah was doin’, but then he had no belt as he had no pants for a belt to hold up. For want of a nail, as they say, the Kingdom was lost.
Chastisement of one of the daughters of Eve is vindicated by appearance of sacred halo around butt. If Eve hadn't done what she done, then this sort of punishment would not be required so very often!
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The followin’ morn, the Good Lord is walkin’ around His garden, noting how wonderful everything He made is, and, seeing as He is the most powerful critic in the Universe, that is some praise for Hisself, comin’ as it does from Hisself. So by an’ by he comes to Adam and Eve, and presently He is asking Adam why he is wearing fig leaves, and why he disobeyed Him and ate of the forbidden fruit.
And Adam responds in effect with: "We are wearin' this get‑up more as a fashion statement rather than an acknowledgement of shame in being naked, and further, You Yourself gave me the woman who provided me with the forbidden fruit, which I would argue is a prima facie case of entrapment, and further still, what I did was slurp, suck, and lick, which without the requisite chewing modality cannot be properly deemed to be 'eating'". An' right there was born the first Jewish Lawyer, bar that is the very God he was trying to snow.
And God said: "Don' play the bush lawyer with me, buddy. You are busted big time."
And he punished all three, Adam, Eve, and the Serpent. First, He took away the Serpent's arms and legs, which is why when you see a snake, than you can immediately tell that this account is "Just So" right. Because snakes have no arms and legs. What more proof could any thinkin' person require?
And he made it so that Eve would suffer in childbirth, and be ruled by her husband. And for Man, He not only invented hard physical labour, but He specially created thorns and brambles to make it more miserable still. So manual labour was a Curse, which is why Jews so very sensibly avoid it and hire Gentiles to do it for them. And, worst of all, Death, which had never been known until then, came into the World. Prior to this time the cockroach, the termite, the hamster, and every other being were intrinsically immortal. Until that is, Shehussywoman done the dirty and spoilt it for everyone. Before her betrayal, animals were vegetarians. Yes, the mighty T. Rex used his massive teeth to munch on grass, and the eagle her talons to grab stray weeds from cliff tops, and piranhas used to munch on seaweed. But a shockin’ thing happened the day after the horny couple had their ill‑advised picnic. Animals which had previously nestled together started lookin’ at each other in entirely new ways. The lion started seein’ a lamb chop when he next cuddled up with a lamb, and the lamb started gettin' right nervous.
Before you could say Food Chain, there was one, and in the space of a day the animal kingdom turned on each other. So when next you see a scene of lions chasin’ impala, or a shark after tuna, or birds snarin’ insects, just remember that Eve done that. Yes sir, she ate of that wretched piece of pawpaw, and six thousand years later a global population of seven billion people have to work hard for a livin’, suffer and grow old, get haemorrhoids, come down with cancer and die, an’ all because of that one act of disobedience on that one day by two people over one piece of fruit.
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Now you can compare this holy Biblical record with the wild stupid ridiculous claims of evil‑ution, full of malarkey about some tribes leavin’ Africa half a million years ago, and endin’ up in Europe, and via the Bering Strait comin’ into the New World about twenty thousand years ago. And tryin’ to back up this rubbish with DNA analysis of various groups of people alive today. BALONEY, BALONEY, AND MORE BALONEY, ah says. Use your God‑given intelligence. How can that story tell you tell you why you get sick and feel pain, and have to work for a crust? And how does it square with your well‑founded hunch that some dame had somethin’ to do with it, all those thousands of years ago?
Ah for one know who is responsible for the Fall, and my finger is itchin' for anudder feel of that belt right about now!
Now let's all of us really give it up for the ole-time Born Again war cry:
I wanna be wid Jesus at the love feast,
So down wid the U.N. and let's knacker the beast!
(copyright TBs TalkTime - all rights reserved)
Until next week, this is TrueBeliever on TalkTime wishin’ you a safe and prosperous week, and let your God‑given brain always tell any evil‑utionist they can’t monkey around with the truth of the Holy Bible. (Sustained applause and cheering as theme music wells up
